New subscribers, what you are about to experience is an accounting of my current life experiences that originally was intended to inform, but now seems primarily to amuse. The most important thing to remember is that it is always true because -- all together now -- I do not make this stuff up! If you want to be removed, let me know. And if you want back issues, let me know that, too.
But first you must wade through one housekeeping matter:
My computer has demonstrated once again that it has fruit identity confusion and continues to believe that it is a Lemon rather than an Apple. Proving thusly, despite the best efforts of my new computer consultant [who by the way is so yummy I've considered sabotaging the damn machine just to get him back here; however, this machine seems to need no encouragement for screw ups and that's a damned expensive way to get attention], it decided to eat the entirety of my e-mail address book and any e-mails sitting in my Inbox. I was able to recreate most of my e-mail address book from a variety of sources, but if I'm not sending this to your preferred address, let me know. And if I owe you a response on something, it got lost, so accept my apologies. And somehow I lost Chronicles 8 & 9, so if anyone has them and could send me copies, I'd appreciate it (Akbar?). (Sorry about not suppressing the addresses on this Chronicles -- I want a copy as insurance -- butI've actually have had to separate out batches to get the server to send it.)
In this Edition:
*The Devil's Workshop
My last official day at work was Friday, September 29th -- but actually it was Saturday, the 30th because I felt I had to wrap up a few things in order to leave with integrity and a few office supplies (kidding!).
Since that time I have discovered:
1. That the reasons for daily showering have become less compelling. Just as women will make leg-shaving decisions based upon who and what they plan to do [Favorite Album Title -- "I Shaved My Legs for This?!"], I have come to the conclusion that daily bathing is worthy of the same considerations. Not only does this save time, but it also prepares me for the realities of extensive travel in countries without showers. Therefore, you may not want to just drop in on me unexpectedly.
2. That I can reduce the pantyhose portion of my budget considerably. I rarely have a reason to dress up -- hell, if you read the above, it might seem I rarely have a reason to dress period. Perhaps now some of you may want to drop in on me unexpectedly.
3. That an entire day may go by without me speaking. One day early in my semi-retirement, I blurted out in horror in the late afternoon, "I have not spoken yet today!" Thus, to counteract this, I have taken to making petty consumer phone calls just to use my voice. One day I called Hershey's to complain that I had not been able to find Cookies and Mint Nuggets anywhere. Upon learning that they no longer made them, I replied, "This is tragic! Just tragic! Did I not buy enough? Did I not tell enough of my friends how delicious they were? This is tragic!" Fortunately, the customer rep knew to giggle and said she would tell Marketing about my call. I scolded, "If Marketing had done its job, the world would know that these jewels -- these Nuggets -- tasted just like Girl Scout Thin Mints and we wouldn't have this problem today." If you stop by unexpectedly, please bring Thin Mints.
4. That I have become borderline boring. Conversations with me now might involve you in a discussion of insurance minutiae, square footage of storage areas, and the reasons to pack duct tape. Each decision I must make branches off into boring, boring sub-decisions that seem to have captivated me. Take this into consideration before dropping by unexpectedly.
But the most amazing thing I have discovered is...
5. My Inner Slacker. The productive Deborah, the efficient Deborah, the Deborah that organizes your refrigerator according to food usage (see, snacks go here, dinner fixings here, moldy things here) is gone. In her place is read a book in the sun for three hours Deborah, go into the kitchen to get something and forget the project you were doing in the living room Deborah, and sleep whenever I want Deborah. I've started to get a little bit better, but even my lists are not up to snuff, what with the miscategorization and all. It's a little disturbing, but I have come to accept that I was exhausted and needed all that sleep (the collision of Night Owls with Work Worlds results in constant sleep deprivation). But if you stop by unexpectedly, expect to make your own tea!
*Quads & Hamstrings
In talking with my physical therapist lately about various non-functioning body parts, I learn that the reason my knees ache when I hike or dance for long periods of time is that my quadriceps are overdeveloped and my hamstrings are underdeveloped. Thus I have started on various hamstring exercises. While doing such one day, it occurred to me that I can extend this into a metaphor for what's been happening with my brain lately. Consider that my Analytical, Logical, Probing, Challenging side is the Quadriceps of my Brain and the Intuitive, Emotional, Spiritual, Body-Conscious side is the Hamstrings. Since I have not been working, I am using the Quads of my Brain less and less (see item #5 above). I just don't function in the same sharp-edged brainiac manner. This has given the other parts of me an opportunity to emerge, to be developed, to get equal time. This may be the best brain to take on a trip. Very interesting to me (uh oh, was that the Over-Analytical Highly Curious Brain trying to sneak in?!).
*With One Arm Behind My Back
Apparently, along with most of you decrepit 40 somethings, I have a bum rotator cuff. It's probably been this way for years, but because I have some macho/martyr thing going on with physical pain, I've paid it no mind until I stopped working. So, in addition to various exercises and frequent icing (I tell you, it's a good thing I'm not working -- who would have time for this stuff?!), I have to limit activity. Like swimming. Oh I still go, but I do all strokes one-armed! Surprisingly (and disturbingly), I don't veer off in one direction as a result. But it looks so geeky and I feel much like I do when a neighbor has asked me to pick up a loaf of Wonder Bread -- I want to announce to everyone else at the pool that I really do know how to swim and swim well (I really do know good nutrition!). So, in addition to one-armed front crawl, one-armed breaststroke, one-armed sidestroke, and one-armed back crawl, I have developed a modified sidestroke on the "wrong" side and -- because I can use both arms if the left is not raised above 90 degrees -- a goofy under-the-body dog paddle that would look underwater as if I am constantly patting my crotch. I challenge all my swimmer pals to try any of this! So far my mile takes about 10-15 minutes longer than usual. When I get done, I get out of the pool and dramatically let my left arm flop lifeless next to my body, just in case people continue to think I don't know that swimming is done with two arms. (I am tempted to tell my story of swimming with the Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court -- who I had nicknamed "Splashy" before I realized who he was -- but this is getting too long already. Stay tuned for the website where I'll be sure to post it!)
*Haven't You Left Yet?!
No! It's a good thing I don't test y'all on this material because everyone seems to think I left awhile ago. Which explains how I am greeted on every call -- "Where are You?" I am expecting to leave sometime in mid-January and it looks now as if I will be gone for about 6 months.
I am totally stressed, but happy. However, it is just too much to do to undo a life and plan for a 6 month journey. Do you have any idea of how hard it is not to exist? Not to have an address? And imagine how hard it is to do any of this planning when your Organized, Efficient, Productive Brain has left your body. (Wait! Some of you live life this way don't you?!) Every now and then I function -- apparently long enough to do things like create a file called Stuff Management.
The current plan is to leave New England around Jan. 5, head for DC for a week or so to try to get visas, foreign currencies, and named President. I hope to gather DC-based pals for a party of some sort, so those of you in that area stay tuned for that. I am likely to head East via West and hope to stop in San Francisco for a few days to see pals there. Possibly to Hawaii before moving on. Loosely, based on frequent flyer program rules, from SF I will go to Manila (where friend Chantale now lives) on one free ticket, and from there to New Zealand on another. To Australia from NZ, then back to Manila to start the SE Asia tour. That's the rough plan anyway.
Despite the stress of the planning and getting rid of my stateside life, I remain convinced that I should do this trip. In fact, I eagerly await the exploration, both inside and out. My biggest fear? No, it's not getting robbed, not being by myself, not being sexually harassed or worse. My biggest fear all revolves around what my clever sister Nina calls "water in, water out." I get thirsty often and drink lots of water. I'll have to be careful with the water in Asia, so I worry about finding safe things to drink. And obviously related is what happens to all that liquid drunk. I am, perhaps unnecessarily, very anxious about Asian toilets. Therefore, I busily am collecting information on the proper toilet protocol. There is so much that remains a mystery and quite a bit that suggests that sarongs are a smart idea in addition to being a fashion statement. Aren't you glad you asked?
*Would You Like Fries with That?
My biggest triumph of recent days was my Moving Sale.
I have never really thought of myself as a salesperson (yes, I know, what do I think I did at the University for the past 3 1/2 years?!) and I've never fancied that I'd want anything to do with retail. Nor did I think I'd be any good at it (although Judy in WV might remember the fundraiser yard sale we had where I convinced a woman to buy a picture she didn't like because she could reuse the frame!). But in getting ready for this sale, I had a great time. I arranged displays (afghans cascading out of the file cabinet -- I swear), I made price lists, I put up well-lettered signs around the neighborhood. And when people came, I entertained, cajoled, encouraged, gave them great deals, and offered a free book with every purchase (although no one took Federal-State Relations, a report by the GAO, 1985!). Would you like a bag for that? May I wrap that for you? And when there were lulls, I found myself thinking, hmmm, the hats aren't moving, I'd better put them over here. I ought to place more things in such a way that you can see them from the road. Maybe that casserole dish needs to be moved up front. I was -- inexplicably -- having a blast. My sister Nina came over, witnessed my captialist high, and precisely nailed what was going on -- I was playing store!! Yes, I had my cash box, my inventory list. I was helping customers, greeting them individually, and finding what they needed. Most of all, I was making sales! Playing store, indeed.
*A Chronicles Quiz Please put the following things in the correct order:
*It's a bird, it's a plane, no it's Deborah
Many of you know that I don't like to fly. I do it all time, but I'm not happy about it. First of all, it's such a chore to have to assiduously note where everyone puts their carry-ons and whether or not they are too big and then to comment on this to every seat-mate. And to carefully monitor the positioning of the flaps throughout the flight in the event that there is a crash and I am the sole survivor with the only piece of information that will solve the mystery is tiring. So why then, did I find myself dangling high above the ocean off Virginia Beach strapped into a parasailing harness next to my cousin? Because she thought it would be a fun, daring thing to do. A good portion of the time, it was -- that is when I wasn't struggling to find the right soothing words to calm my cousin, who was petrified. (Did I mention that this was her idea?!) The crowning moment was when I decided to reassure her about the integrity of the equipment and while doing so looked up to see some kind of duct tape jerry-rigging above us. Gulp. Without mentioning that, and while continuing to soothe, I reviewed my contingency for dropping into water from a high height.
A month or so later, I was flying to Martha's Vineyard for a job interview. I was not prepared for how small a plane I would be traveling in. I sat one seat back and diagonally from the pilot, who was probably born shortly after disco. I was the only passenger, which meant that I had a lot of work to do. Where large planes require me to monitor flaps, in small planes you can see ALL the dials. Can you imagine what I did with THAT? I set my book aside and carefully watched each step the pilot took, because of course I might have to fly the plane when she suddenly has a very youthful heart attack. Radio, where IS the radio?! What is she doing with that dial?! Wait, I missed that step! I was unnerved, but cool the whole trip until we had to abort our landing due to the fact that we couldn't see the runway, pull up, and try again. The pilot claimed that had never happened before. And this was all before an interview.
*Help Wanted
Here's your chance to be a Know-it-All and blessed for it! I know very little about the following things: digital cameras, binoculars, cell phones that work in international areas, cyber cafes, clever technological ways to be able to write without taking a quirky laptop along, and writing outlets for clever Deborah Does the Eastern Hemisphere stories. Please feel free to voice your opinion to me.
*The Interactive Chronicles
Yes, now YOU can participate in making the Chronicles a success! I will not be using my Javanet e-mail address once I am on the road, so I will need to have an e-mail address at Yahoo or Hotmail, and may lodge my travel website there as well. But dkoch@ seems so dull for such an adventure, so what should I use? I wanted to use WanderWoman, but that is taken at both sites. I still could do a modification thereof -- WanderWoman2001, WanderWomanDeborah. Or you guys could come up with something really cool. How 'bout it? What shall I be called? Entries must be received by December 12, 2000 to be considered. Winner will be announced in next Chronicle, unless the Supreme Court nullifies the results.
That's all for this one -- and yes, that's quite enough, I know. I hope to send you how to keep in touch with Deborah information soon.
Be well and go smiling.
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